Trouble Setting Boundaries? What’s Holding You Back
- Jessica Miller
- Dec 27, 2024
- 7 min read
Boundary setting is HARD! And, no one really ever sat us down and taught us the ins and outs of how to do it. Maybe it has been modeled to us by some people, but when you try to do it (or don’t it altogether) it just feels wrong!
Do you ever feel like people don’t hear or understand you? Or maybe you say “yes” to things you don’t want to do just to avoid upsetting someone? If this sounds familiar, you might be experiencing trouble setting boundaries.
It’s 100% normal not to be setting, not to know what they are, or be failing at setting them. Many of us struggle with poor boundaries or even a complete lack of boundaries in our relationships. But you can 1000% learn how to set them! Bonus, it’s one of the most powerful things you can do to improve your life.
Take a peek-ola below at why boundaries are so important, what might be holding you back, and steps you can take to start setting healthy limits today.
Why Boundaries Matter
Before we look into the “how,” let’s talk about the “why.” Healthy boundaries are the foundation of any strong relationship, but more important the relationship with YOURSELF. They define how we want to be treated, protect our mental and emotional health, and help us live authentically without fear or judgment from those around us.
When you don’t have clear boundaries, it can lead to all sorts of issues:
Constant stress or burnout.
Resentment toward others.
Feeling like you’re losing yourself in your relationships.
You feel under appreciated or taken advantage of
We confuse our thoughts & opinions with input from others
We expect others to mind read with we want
Whether it’s at work, with friends, or in your personal life, trouble setting boundaries can leave you feeling overwhelmed and disconnected.
Signs You Might Have a Boundary Issue
Think you might have a boundary issue? Here are some common signs that indicate you may need to set boundaries:
You Don't Feel Right
You feel stupid, awkward, sweaty, barfy stating your need(s) to people.
Feeling anger, resentment, frustration, or dread towards someone.
Feeling uneasy or "off" during or after interactions.
Stress and Overwhelm
People Pleasing
Conflict Is The Worst
You Are Overthinking
Sound familiar? These are some indicators of poor boundaries or a lack of boundaries, and they can hold you back from knowing yourself, better communication and healthy relationships.
Common Reasons That Lead to Trouble Setting Boundaries
There are so many things that make us avoid setting boundaries. When you know what might be tripping you up, the easier it makes to start setting them.
Unknowns
You never learned how to set boundaries
Fear of How You Will Look
Boundaries shut people out and make you less empathetic
Fear of Other’s Reactions
They will push people away or make people angry with you
You’re afraid, stressed, anxious about people’s responses
"I’m nervous about someone rejecting me for them"
"I already know the consequences and don’t like them"
I Will Hurt Someone
If you set boundaries correctly, they are more about you and less about the other person = less chance they will be hurt
They Reject Other People
Boundaries are about rejecting others or denying them what they need
They’re Too Demanding
"People are going to judge me for being so upfront"
"People will think I’m unkind, standoffish, disrespectful or an asshole"
They Are Self-Centered
They mean you’re putting our needs before others
I Love Helping
If you’re a caring, empathetic person, you don’t need boundaries because you're always willing to help others
They are rules for others
"I don’t need rules for myself"
People Should Already Know Me
Other people should already understand what you need
All of these reasons seem perfectly logical, but they are holding you back. Sometimes the fear of the outcome or how someone will percieve you is hard to feel. Taking small steps towards boundary setting often is the first, and most effective, step.
How to Start Overcoming Boundary Issues
Step 1: Identify Your Needs
Think about what’s been bothering you in your relationships. Is someone constantly interrupting your personal time? Do you feel drained after every conversation with a certain friend? Understanding your needs is the first step to solving your boundary issue.
Step 2: Recognize Your Fears
Take a moment to reflect on why you’re hesitant to set boundaries. Are you afraid of losing someone? Worried about conflict? Naming your fear gives you the power to address it.
Step 3: Practice Stating Your Boundary
This one is tough but so important. Start small by stating what you need and want, especially with things that don’t align with your priorities.
Step 4: Be Clear and Consistent
When setting boundaries, clarity is everything. Say less at first so someone doesn’t have to second guess what you mean. Consistently state them. Changing your boundary to fit someone else’s needs isn’t a boundary.
Step 5: Get Comfortable with Discomfort
Setting boundaries isn’t always easy, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. But remember, the discomfort is temporary. The long-term benefits of having healthier relationships far outweigh the short-term awkwardness.
Step 6: Give Some Wiggle Room
After you set a boundary, see the person’s reaction. If they are open to what you are saying, then start a conversation about why you need the boundary. If they don’t respond well to what you’re saying, then you might have to consider other avenues. Healthy relationships (partners, friends, co-workers, family, etc.) have space for open dialogue…it just may take the person a moment or two to process what you’ve said to them.
The Consequences of a Lack of Boundaries
If you continue to struggle with trouble setting boundaries, it can take a toll on your mental health and relationships. Over time, you might experience:
Emotional exhaustion.
Resentment toward loved ones.
A loss of your sense of self.
You want to stop trying to feel heard and understood.
On the flip side, setting boundaries allows you to prioritize your needs and build stronger, more respectful relationships.
When to Seek Help for Boundary Issues
If you feel stuck or overwhelmed, working with a professional can help. Individual relationship therapy is a great way to explore your fears, develop confidence, and learn tools for setting boundaries in a supportive environment.
FAQs About Trouble Setting Boundaries
What are boundaries, and why are they important?
Boundaries are limits you set to protect your time, energy, and emotional health. They’re essential for maintaining healthy relationships and living authentically.
What are the signs of poor boundaries?
How can I overcome fear when setting boundaries?
What happens if I have a lack of boundaries?
FAQs About Jessica Miller Therapy
What services does Jessica Miller Therapy offer?
Jessica Miller Therapy specializes in helping women navigate challenges like trouble setting boundaries, anxiety, and relationship dynamics.
While I love helping women with their relationships, I offer support for other life issues as well.
Do I need to be in a relationship to seek therapy?
How can I schedule an appointment?
Final Thoughts: Take the First Step Toward Healthy
Boundaries
Setting boundaries is tough—there’s no sugarcoating it. It can feel unnatural, uncomfortable, and even scary at times. But just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you can’t do it...you're choosing not to. Every step you take toward creating healthy boundaries is a step toward a happier, more fulfilling life.
Boundaries aren’t about being selfish or shutting people out; they’re about taking care of yourself and fostering relationships built on mutual respect and understanding. The more you practice, the easier it gets, and the more you’ll notice the incredible changes in your mental health and overall well-being.
So start small. Identify one area of your life where you feel stretched too thin or misunderstood. Practice stating what you need with clarity and consistency. And if you stumble along the way, that’s okay! Progress, not perfection, is the goal.
If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, remember that help is available. Individual relationship therapy can provide the tools and support you need to work through fears and build the confidence to set boundaries effectively.
You’ve got this. Prioritize yourself, lean into the discomfort, and trust that you’re worth the effort. Because you are. 🌟
About the author: Jessica Miller is a licensed therapist in the state of California. Her background is in domestic violence, self-esteem, anxiety, trauma, and somatic experiencing. She believes that life is messy and sometimes we need someone to understand that we don't know wtf we're doing.
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