What are boundaries and why are they important?

Your first step in learning WTF boundaries are.

Boundaries get talked about A LOT in pop culture and, sometimes, it’s hard to know what in the hell a boundary is. Everyone is saying “you have to set boundaries with that person” or “they didn’t follow my boundary”, but no one is talking about WHAT boundaries mean.

Frustratingly, when you search the internet there are a bunch of terms that kind of don’t make sense and make it seem like setting a boundary is easy-peezy.

A lot of information will tell you that setting boundaries means saying no to others. One survey even mentioned that nearly 3 in 5 (58%) Americans have trouble saying “no” to others.

Boundaries are more than just saying ‘no’ to someone.

In this blog post, we'll look at what boundaries are, why they are important, the different types, and examples of setting boundaries in different areas of life. By the end, you'll have a better understanding of what boundaries are exactly.

Understanding and Setting Personal Boundaries

We all have certain things in life that make us feel comfortable and safe, and there are other things or people that push us out of our comfort zones. These things that make us feel good or bad often come down to boundaries. ‘A boundary of mine’ is knowing when to say something about things that don’t feel right to you or you want to be clear about with yourself or others.

 You might be wondering: ‘what is setting healthy boundaries’ and ‘what types of boundaries do I set?’ Let’s look into these questions and explore why boundaries matter.

What are boundaries and why are they important?

In the simplest definition they are the edge or limit of something. Sound familiar? We’ve all said ‘I am at my limit with this’ or ‘I am up to here with this’ (your edge).

This is a good indicator that you might need a boundary. To better understand boundaries, I like to think of them as a tiers. As you go down the tiers they get more complex and broad.

Boundary Definition:

1. They are an edge or limit of something

2. Think of them as rules or guidelines for ourselves and how we want to be treated by others

What do they do?

1. They define roles, expectations, and acceptable behaviors in relationships, groups, and situations.

2. The enforce both internal and external guidelines that we have for ourselves

3. Impact our idea of self and others

Using the example below let’s explain step by step wtf a boundary is:

You only want to drink one drink out at dinner. Someone asks you to drink more.

Edge or Limit	One drink and you don’t want to go past this edge/limit
Rule/Guideline	You only want one drink You don’t want someone to tell you to drink more
What it defines	Expectation: you have one drink Acceptable behavior: No one tells you to drink more
Enforces	Expectation for one drink for yourself that is known
Idea of Self or Others	You feel confident, less stress/anxiety saying you want one drink You see (or don’t see) that friends, family, co-workers, your date can respect you want one drink

What Does It Mean to Set Healthy Boundaries?

A boundary defines a personal limit we set to protect our well-being, mental state, self-esteem, and relationships. It's more than just saying "no". When you think, ‘a boundary of mine is’ this means you are able to say what’s acceptable to you and what isn’t in relationships, work, and personal interactions. By establishing these limits, you protect your time, energy, and emotions.

It's healthy to set boundaries

If you refrain from setting boundaries you may notice that over time you feel:

Read More: About Why We Don’t Set Boundaries

Why is it important to set boundaries?

• To tell people how we feel & what we need

• Give ourselves space to have our own thoughts & opinions without input from others

• Express our expectations

• Help people understand you, because no one can read your mind

We set boundaries to understand what our needs are. By understanding what we need and want we increase our sense of self.

What are different types of boundaries?

The internet says there are six different types of boundaries. Before we get into those, if you recognize similar emotions in yourself from the list above, it’s time to ask:

'What are my boundaries?'

When you know this, it helps you define what’s acceptable behavior you expect from yourself and others.

BUT you have to know your boundaries BEFORE trying to set them with others

Below is the foundation what truly matters in boundary setting.

Two Types of Boundaries Rein:

1. Internal

These are rules we set for ourselves of what we will and will not accept from ourselves and others. These are OUR needs and wants and how we feel they aren’t met.

Examples:

• I choose to eat xyz way

• I won’t overbook myself when stressed

• I will speak up if I don’t like something

2. External

These are rules of what WE will and will not accept from other people.

Examples:

• I never want people to yell at me

• I want monogamy from romantic relationships

• I don’t others to go through my phone, computer, etc.

What is Setting Healthy Boundaries in Different Areas of Life?

If you want extra help understanding where you can set boundaries here are the areas that people like to talk about: (Really they involve ANYTHING in your life, not just below)

1.  Physical Boundaries: These relate to your personal space, body, and belongings. They define:

• Personal Space: How close someone can stand to you, whether you're comfortable with hugs or other forms of touch. (Sexual boundaries are below)

• Privacy: What you're willing to share about your life and with whom. This includes physical possessions like your phone, room, or car.

• Physical Safety: Protecting yourself from any form of physical harm or threat.

2. Emotional Boundaries: These involve your feelings and the emotional reaction from others. They can include:

• Emotional Responsibility: You are only responsible for the emotions of yourself and not other people. Other people are also not responsible for your emotions. We can be supportive of others, but it is our independent responsibility to take care of our emotions.

• Emotional Dumping: Setting limits on how much someone can vent or unload their emotional problems onto you. And, how much you do this to others.

• Respect for Feelings: Expecting others to acknowledge and respect your feelings, even if they don't agree with them.

3. Intellectual Boundaries: We all have our own thoughts, ideas, and opinions outside of other people. Sometimes we want people to respect that:

• Respect for Opinions: Expecting others to value your opinions, even if they differ from their own.

• Open Communication: You are allowed to tell someone about your thoughts and feelings without worry of how they will react, judge or dismiss you.

• Controlling People: Protecting yourself from having your thoughts and beliefs controlled by others.

4. Time Boundaries: H you manage your time and commitments. 

• Prioritizing Your Time: Deciding how you want to spend your time and energy and saying "no" to things that don't align with your priorities.

• Setting Limits on Availability: Defining when you're available for others and when you need time for yourself.

• Avoiding Overcommitment: Not taking on more than you can handle and respecting your own need for rest and downtime.

5. Material Boundaries: Possessions and finances.

• Respect for Belongings: Expecting others to treat your belongings with respect and to ask permission before borrowing or using them.

• Financial Responsibility: Setting limits on lending or borrowing money and managing your own finances responsibly.

6. Sexual Boundaries: Your comfort levels and consent in sexual interactions. 

• Consent: Ensuring that all sexual activity is consensual and that you feel comfortable and safe.

• Respect for Preferences: Communicating your sexual preferences and boundaries clearly and expecting others to respect them.

• Protecting Yourself: Setting limits on what you're willing to do sexually and avoiding situations that make you feel uncomfortable or pressured.

It's important to remember that these boundaries can overlap and that they may vary depending on the specific relationship or situation. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is for your well-being, which then ends up building healthy, respectful relationships.

When it comes to how to set up healthy boundaries, it’s important to recognize that boundaries can exist in many different areas of life. Whether in relationships, at work, or with family, having clear boundaries is crucial.

Examples of Setting Boundaries

1. How do I set healthy boundaries physically?

You're at a party and someone you don't know well tries to put their arm around you. You say, "I'm not really comfortable with that," and gently move away.

2. What about healthy emotional boundaries?

A friend consistently calls you late at night to vent about their relationship problems for hours. You care about them, but it's affecting your sleep and well-being. You tell them, " I need to set a limit on how late we talk about this. Could we discuss this during the day instead?" This protects you from emotional dumping and establishes a healthy emotional boundary.

3. What is setting healthy boundaries intellectually?

You're having a political discussion with a family member who constantly interrupts you and dismisses your opinions. You say, "I'd like to finish my thought. I'd appreciate it if you could listen to mine first." This sets a boundary around respectful communication and valuing different viewpoints.

4. How do I set healthy boundaries around time?

Your boss frequently asks you to stay late or work on weekends, even though it's not part of your job description. You decline, saying, "I am not able to work outside of my normal hours. We can discuss rearranging priority tasks during my regular work hours." This protects your personal time and prevents overcommitment.

5. What about material boundaries?

A roommate consistently borrows your clothes without asking and returns them damaged. You tell them, "I'm not comfortable with you borrowing my clothes without asking me first. If you need to borrow something, please ask me beforehand." This sets a boundary around respecting your belongings.

6. How do I set healthy boundaries around sex?

You're in a new relationship and your partner is wanting to engage in sexual activity that you're not ready for. You say, "I'm not comfortable moving that fast. I need to take things at my own pace." This clearly communicates your sexual boundaries and asserts your right to consent.

What boundary setting REALLY means?

Knowing your limits will help you make choices that protect your well-being. It’s important to remember that setting boundaries is not about pushing others away, it’s about creating space for yourself and making sure you’re considering yourself in conversations and situations.

Boundaries are always rules for yourself, not other people. You can tell people what you want/expect or say ‘no’ to them, but it is also their choice to respect your boundary or not.

We cannot change other people with boundaries. They can choose to change, but it is their choice.

If someone consistently ignores your boundary...YOU have to decide what path you go on with them next. They are being how they always were.

'A Boundary of Mine Is'...Respecting Others’ Boundaries

On a final note, seting up healthy boundaries** isn’t just about asserting your own needs, but also respecting the boundaries of others. In every healthy relationship, both parties should have the space to express themselves and maintain their own boundaries. If you are trying to explain away or change someone’s boundary, you might want to look at why you want to do that? We don’t have to like or agree with other’s boundaries, we just need to know if we can work within our boundary and theirs in order to keep a relationship/friendship, etc.

FAQs About Boundaries

What Are Personal Boundaries?

Personal boundaries are the limits we set to protect our emotional, physical, and mental well-being. They help us define what is acceptable behavior in relationships and interactions. They make sure that you respect your own limits and don’t allow others to push you beyond what feels comfortable.

Why Are Healthy Boundaries Important?

How Do I Set Healthy Boundaries?

How Do Boundaries Help Improve My Well-Being?

Can Individual Relationship Therapy Help With Setting Boundaries?

What does Jessica Miller Therapy do?

Final Wrap Up

Boundaries are essential tools for maintaining our well-being and fostering healthy relationships. They are not about being rigid or pushing others away but about creating space for ourselves to feel comfortable, respected, and heard. By recognizing and setting our boundaries, we protect our time, energy, emotions, and even our physical and mental health. Remember, boundaries are personal guidelines that reflect our needs and values, and it's our responsibility to communicate and enforce them.

It's important to understand that boundaries are not about controlling others, but rather about taking ownership of how we allow others to treat us. By respecting both our own and others' boundaries, we create a foundation of mutual respect that strengthens all types of relationships. So, start recognizing where you need boundaries, communicate them clearly, and honor your own limits. Setting and respecting boundaries is a crucial step toward leading a more balanced and fulfilling life.

About the author: Jessica Miller is a licensed therapist in the state of California. Her background is in domestic violence, self-esteem, anxiety, trauma, and somatic experiencing. She believes that life is messy and sometimes we need someone to understand that we don't know wtf we're doing.

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