Is It Okay to Set Boundaries with Your Friends?
- Jessica Miller
- Mar 26
- 6 min read
Updated: Apr 10
Fuck, yes! 100% yes! If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, can I say what I need or feel to a friend — you’re not alone. Many people struggle with guilt or fear of conflict when it comes to drawing lines with those they care about or a friendship that doesn't quite feel right. But here’s the truth: healthy friendships thrive on mutual respect, and boundaries are part of that respect.
Why Do We Want to Set Boundaries?
I love that boundaries have become a popular term to use. When it comes down to setting them it can be terrifying, nauseating, or thrilling. Usually, the desire to set boundaries comes from discomfort.
We set boundaries for our own well-being, not for anyone else's. When we are uncomfortable with what someone has done or said around us or to us it goes against how we would like to be treated. It's pretty simple.
Setting boundaries is for you to decide how you want to be treated and what you will and will not tolerate from others.
Sometimes you may feel resentment toward a friend. That's a sign that you’ve allowed lines to be crossed too many times. Resentment builds quietly but powerfully, and it can harm both the friendship and your mental health.
Maybe a friend calls you at all hours to vent but never asks how you're doing. Maybe they consistently disregard your time, or perhaps they make hurtful comments disguised as jokes. These little moments chip away at your peace until you finally stop and think, "Is it okay to set boundaries with this friend?" It absolutely is — because your energy, emotional well-being, and time matter.
What Makes Someone Finally Set a Boundary?
Often, there’s a tipping point. Maybe it's the third time you've canceled something important to meet a friend’s never-ending crisis. Or the moment you leave a hangout feeling drained, not energized. Or when you realize, 'this friendship is making me anxious more than it’s bringing me joy.'
If you’re searching for how to set boundaries with emotionally draining friends, it’s a sign that you’ve reached that point where protecting your sanity is non-negotiable.
Sometimes, what pushes someone to set a boundary is a single hurtful event that they can’t ignore. It might be an insensitive comment during a vulnerable moment, or the realization that your friend only reaches out when they need something. These wake-up calls make you reflect on whether the friendship is balanced.
You don't have to wait for something to be wrong to set a boundary.
Boundaries Set Expectations
I know I am guilty of letting something that bugs me sit for a while, because I want to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe to see if they can show me that they didn't mean what they did or that it was a bad day for them.
Ultimately, we don't know to go through those thoughts if we don't want to. We are allowed to say something...the first time someone does or says something that we don't feel comfortable.
We are also allowed to speak our mind even if nothing went wrong. Boundaries speak to our values of ourselves. When we tell someone our boundary straight away we are setting expectations of how we want to be treated.
Steps to Set a Boundary
Get clear on what you need.
Do you need more space? Less drama? More respect? Write it down if it helps.
Communicate calmly and directly.
Be prepared for pushback
Stick to your boundary
Allow yourself to feel emotions, if needed
Celebrate friendships that grow stronger
If you’re wondering how to set boundaries with emotionally draining friends, start small and be clear. You don’t need to justify or overexplain. Simple, kind honesty is enough. Know that they are draining, so they respond in their usual way. This isn't a reflection on you, it's their inability to respond to healthy communication.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries with Friends
"I can’t always answer texts right away, but I’ll get back to you when I can."
"I’m not available to talk about that topic — it’s triggering for me."
"I love spending time with you, but I also need time for myself."
"I don’t feel comfortable with that kind of joke. Please don’t say that around me."
What Happens When You Set the Boundary?
Here’s the magic (and sometimes pain): when you set a boundary, you learn about how your friends respond to your need (aka the boundary). Good friends will respect it — they might not get it right away, but they’ll try. They’ll show up differently. On the flip side, if someone responds with trying to down grade what you're saying or makes you feel bad for taking care of yourself, it may be time to reflect on what you want your relationship to be with that person.
A person's bad response to a boundary isn't a reflection of you, it's their inability to respond to healthy communication.
Some friends will surprise you with kindness and understanding. They might even thank you for being honest. Others might get defensive or distance themselves. As hard as that can feel, remember: a friend who respects your boundaries is a friend who respects you.
The Emotional Impact of Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries can feel scary. You might fear losing people or being seen as selfish. But people who truly care about you won’t make you feel bad for protecting yourself. Instead, they’ll respect you more.
There’s also the unexpected freedom that comes with boundaries. You stop overcommitting. You feel less drained. You gain confidence in advocating for yourself.
Signs a Friend Respects Your Boundaries
They listen without arguing.
They ask questions to understand what you're saying
They make an effort to adjust their behavior.
They express appreciation for your honesty.
They don’t guilt-trip or pressure you.
Signs a Friend Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries
They become angry or defensive.
They accuse you of being selfish.
They change topics.
They repeatedly ignore the boundary.
They use guilt to manipulate you.
If someone repeatedly disrespects your boundaries, that friendship may not be healthy and isn't worth keeping. Yes, it's tough to let go of a friend, but it's more brutal to keep trying to save a sinking ship that's already going down.
What if You Lose a Friendship After Setting a Boundary?
The difficult part is that when we become aware that we don't like something, we then have a conversation in our head about how us saying something will impact the other person.
It’s hard, but it’s also clarifying. Some friendships are only meant for a season. If a friend cannot respect your limits, it’s not a loss — it’s making space for healthier connections.
So, is it okay to set boundaries with your friends?
Absolutely. It’s not only okay — it’s necessary. Your peace is valuable, and the people who deserve to be in your life will honor that. Whether you’re learning how to set boundaries with emotionally draining friends or how to set boundaries with friends who hurt you, know this: you are allowed to protect your heart and energy. And the right people will love you for it.
Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re doors that let the right people in and keep the wrong energy out. You are worthy of friendships that uplift you — not drain or hurt you.
Remember, the way someone responds to your boundary tells you everything you need to know about what kind of friend they are. And that clarity? That’s a gift.
Have a friendship that you need to set boundaries in? Therapy helps with that. Schedule a free consultation with me and let's get you feeling good about your friendships.
About the author: Jessica Miller is a licensed therapist in the state of California. Her background is in domestic violence, self-esteem, anxiety, trauma, and somatic experiencing. She believes that life is messy and sometimes we need someone to understand that we don't know wtf we're doing.
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